One year ago today, we took in our first placement as foster parents. Today, we will meet the new foster family that our foster daughter will go to live with in 3 days. It is absolutely a difficult thing to let her go, but let her go we must.
People often say, “I could never foster; I could never let them go.” That’s not true. You could if God called you to. Has it been fun? Most of the time, not at all. Has it been hard? Harder than I ever dreamed possible. Do I regret becoming foster parents? No, and I doubt that I ever will.
After 6 years of infertility and struggling with my health, we came to the conclusion it wasn’t in the cards for us to have a second child of our own. After years of exploring different possibilities, we felt for sure we were called to foster. Looking back, I have no doubts that we did need to do this and that on this year long journey, God has used us to save the lives of two very special children. We will forever be changed as both individuals and a family for having gone on this journey.
I don’t think there’s any amount of training, researching, or preparing that can help you understand what you are signing up for when you agree to be a foster parent. It is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Children that come from difficult places who have been traumatized in some way are not the same as children who grow up in loving homes. Despite the wonderful training we received, nothing could have prepared us for taking in and learning to love two children who had not been properly cared for or nurtured or even protected from the evil in this world.
Imagine yourself as an infant, having your needs met consistently by your parents. Food, clothing, shelter, love, hugs and kisses, all of these things teach you as an infant that you are loved and safe and that you can trust people. Having your basic needs met teaches you how to connect, and people are made for connecting.
Now imagine a child whose needs are not consistently met, who cries out yet no one comes to check on them. A child who sits in a dirty diaper for hours on end and no one changes them. A child who is hungry and cries out to be fed but are left to fend for themselves. These children and babies learn at a very young age that people cannot be trusted and are not there for you when you need them. These children do not know how to trust adults or bond to them, nor do they feel like they can count on them to meet their most basic needs.
This lack of trust leads to behaviors that do not make sense to most people. Things like hiding or hoarding food. Keeping your walls up so high that no matter how hard a trusted adult tries to connect to you, you cannot allow yourself to connect or bond with them because your defenses are so high you are always on guard and in safe mode to protect yourself. It is absolutely heartbreaking and gut wrenching to love these children and yet, that’s exactly what we have done.
When our foster son left, I stood on the front porch in the middle of a thunderstorm and bawled like a baby. His needs were so great that after 2 1/2 months, I was no longer able to care for him and simultaneously meet the needs of my self, my own son, and my foster daughter. It was so painful and it sucked and I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. It took some time, but I was eventually able to see why God had brought him to us and that we did indeed make a difference in his precious little life.
Since he left, my focus has been on helping his big sister. She gave her life to Christ less than 2 months after coming to live with us. What more could you ask for? Knowing she has found her faith is what will give us peace as we watch her leave and move on. We’ve seen her change and grow in many small ways. So have other people in our lives like our family, friends, and our church family.
My husband likes to remind me that all we can do is plant the seeds, water them, and hope that they grow. We’ve planted a lot of seeds with this young lady. The rest is out of our hands. We have no way of knowing which seeds will take root and grow and develop in her, but our hope is in the Lord and we trust that He has big plans for her.
I have no doubt that meeting her new foster family today will be awkward, but this whole experience has been out of our comfort zone so today is really no different. My hope is that they will love her and care for her and give her opportunities she’s not had before. We also hope she will choose to maintain connection with us, but that’s not up to us. That is her choice and trust me, this young lady has not had many choices in life so she deserves to be in the driver’s seat of her own life.
We have learned so much over the last year. I will reflect for many days to come, but for now, I need to take care of myself and heal and focus on myself, my son, my husband, and my health. I doubt there will be a day that will go by that I won’t think about and pray for these two precious children. I will always pray for God’s best for them and that He will perform miracles on their behalf.I know our paths crossed for a reason. I know they were in our home for a reason. I know we needed them, too. And I hope that when they look back on their time with us, they will have no doubt that we cared for and loved them deeply, and that more than anything, we wanted them to find hope and experience the love of Jesus.
Made For More 