Let your faith be bigger than your fears. That is my focus right now. Fear is such a beast and I’ve been bound by fear many times in my life. This is no way to live. Certainly there have been moments in my life when I’ve faced my fears head on, decided to go big or go home, and in those moments when I came out victorious, I can honestly say there is no greater feeling of accomplishment in the world.
Satan uses our fears to hold us captive. To keep up from moving forward. To create stagnation in our lives. We cannot move forward if we are frozen in fear. Nor can we accomplish God’s will for our lives when we allow the enemy to fill our head with lies and then become slaves to those lies.
One of my favorite scriptures has always been 2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. I’ve had this scripture committed to memory for as long as I can remember, but one day, God shed new light on the meaning of this scripture to me.
My one and only son was born 10 weeks early and spent the first 31 days of his life in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit). I have never been more scared in my life. Everyday I waited with baited breath to get updates on how he was doing. What his pulse ox was or if he was still forgetting to breath when he was learning to take his bottle because babies born that early do not have the suck-swallow-breathe reflex yet. If his brain scan came back clear or if he had a brain bleed. If his heart was normal. If his blood counts were normal. The list goes on and on. It was hands down the hardest time of my life.
I spent about 12 hours a day in the NICU with my son each and every day, leaving only at shift change and to get lunch. I had gone home to eat a bite and was sitting at the kitchen table. All of a sudden, I was so overcome with fear I was shaking and finding it hard to breath. I decided to quote 2 Timothy 1:7. When I spoke those words out loud, the word “spirit” really stood out to me. It had never dawned on me before that fear is literally a spirit, one employed by the evil one himself to keep us from moving forward. When this moment of clarity happened, I decided that I would not be bound by that spirit of fear and I sent him packing. I told fear I would not submit to his lies and nor would I be afraid. I knew that because God’s power rests in me, my ability to rebuke this spirit of fear far outweighed satan’s ability to keep me captive to the fear. It was a poignant moment in my life because I realized fear could only control me if I allowed it to.
Right now I’m struggling with fear over my health. After 9 years of chronic illness, countless specialists, operations, countless tests, traditional medicine, holistic medicine, prayer, turning over every stone we knew to turn over, I still had no definitive answers as to what was causing me to live in almost constant pain and misery. We tried for 6 years to have a second child and were told we had undiagnosed infertility. I knew in my heart that meant they had no idea what was wrong with me and I also knew that whatever was making me feel so sick was also what was keeping me from getting pregnant.
On March 18 of this year, through a series of doors unexpectedly opening for me, I had an appointment with a renowned rheumatologist who normally took 6 months to get into, and I somehow got in within 10 days. After an hour going over my health history in-depth, I was told I have Lupus. I was stunned. In the weeks leading up to this appointment, it was suspected that I had MS. I honestly went into the appointment thinking they couldn’t do anything to help me so you can imagine how shocked I was after 9 years of searching to finally have a diagnosis. The doctor was extremely compassionate and encouraging and assured me everything from here on out would be positive.
It has been nearly 4 months since the day I was diagnosed. After looking for answers for so long, you’d think I’d be over the moon to know what was wrong with me, but honestly, that is not how I feel at all. I feel angry as I recall the rheumatologist 7 years prior who completely blew me off and didn’t ask me a single question about my symptoms. I feel disgusted by all the tests I subjected myself to, including multiple exploratory surgeries, that did not reveal any answers but definitely cost me a lot physically, emotionally, and financially. But most of all, I feel afraid. Afraid for the damage already done to my body, primarily my brain and my central nervous system. Afraid for what this might mean for my future. Afraid for my family if something happens to me. Afraid because all along I knew I was sick but after so many years of doctors not finding anything wrong with me, they kind of made me believe I was crazy and that it was all in my head. To have a clear answer is what I always wanted, but now that I have one, it has not been the golden ticket that I thought it would be.
Lupus is often called the great imitator, because it mimics so many different medical problems. That’s why on average it takes 9 years to diagnosis, which was the case for me. It’s also deemed an invisible illness; you look fine on the outside but on the inside, you can feel your body killing itself slowly but surely. Living with Lupus has been pure torture for the last 9 years of my life. It has robbed me of countless experiences. It has created great anxiety as I never know when my own immune system will attack my body and I will all of a sudden feel horrible. It has created great loneliness in my life, as very few people understand the disease and the ramifications of living with something so unpredictable. It has not been easy, to say the least.
I’m not one to be held back, to stop moving forward, to be backed into a corner and quit. That’s not who I am nor who I will ever be. I am a fighter. I am stubborn. I am motivated to live the best life I possibly can despite this disease. Fear has no place in this battle and I won’t let it stop me from living my life to the fullest.
There is a period of grieving I’m going through as I learn to accept what my body can and cannot handle. I am also learning to adapt, to make changes without giving up our lifestyle so that I can still enjoy the things our family likes to do. It is a BIG learning curve and adapting is not something you can figure out overnight. Nor is the medication situation which is a whole other mess I won’t even begin to try to explain today.
It’s a lot to deal with, but I’m doing it. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I’m living my life the best that I can.
Most importantly, I’m choosing NOT to be afraid. It is a daily choice I’m having to make right now. Sometimes an hourly choice. Sometimes a moment to moment choice. But I AM MAKING THAT CHOICE. God has NOT given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. I accept nothing less than this promise. I stand firm in my FAITH that He has a plan and He will work it all out for good.
So I leave you with this question, what fears are you facing and how are they holding you back from the life God intends for you to live? Will you chose to face your fears along side me, and be victorious, or will you be defeated? Choose faith, not fear. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time.
Made For More 