Finding your fire

Has life ever thrown you the biggest, most impossible to hit curve ball? If you’ve been alive for at  least a decade or two, I am sure the answer is yes. Much like a batter, stationed at the plate, a curve ball can throw us off course and send us into a downward spiral of a multitude of negative emotions. But, just like the batter, we have to learn how to hit those curve balls out of the park. And if the result is the blasted “swing and a miss”, then we have to rekindle that fire, step back up to the plate, and ignite our fire again.

For the first time in a very long time (like over 20 years), I am not working and not by my own choice. It’s quite an odd feeling to know at the tender age of 43 that it’s going to take a big miracle of healing for me to be well enough to return to work. I’ve been in a state of rebellion for a while, refusing to accept that this is the path that I’m on. But no amount of rebellion can change the fact that my body is at war with itself and has been for sometime. And right now, I do not have the upper hand in this battle.

Autoimmune disease is an ugly truth in my life. I didn’t choose it. I didn’t do anything to deserve it, yet here I find myself with many chronic, incurable diseases. So many that I can’t even list them off myself without referring to my incredibly lengthy medical records. It makes my head spin the list is so long. The primary diagnoses that is at the top of  list is Lupus, or SLE, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Although SLE is characterized as “having periods of flare ups and periods of remission,” I find that to be laughable. I personally have only heard of 3 people who have gone into remission, where the disease becomes completely inactive. For 99.99% of people afflicted with SLE, they are in a constant flare where the symptoms and pain may vary from day-to-day, but there is no real relief. Right now I just hope and pray for a decent day here and there where I might feel well enough to be outdoors for a while, or to go to one of my son’s sports games, or attend church service on Sunday with my family.

As you can imagine, the days can become pretty grim. Constant pain changes you. There’s no doubt about that. Daily pain keeps your body in a state of heightened awareness, almost like you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This level of awareness is exhausting, both physically and mentally. It takes a toll on you, your family, and sometimes even your friends. You find out very quickly who is going to stand beside you as you fight this battle, and who will not. Trust me, there are many casualties along the way.

So here I find myself wondering what it is that I’m to do with this curve ball? Some how, some way, this people loving, extroverted, type A personality has got to find contentment in days filled with self-care, resting, being at home, and managing these wretched, incurable diseases. I’ve got to find my fire under these new set of circumstances so I can thrive as much as humanly possible despite the hand I’ve been dealt.

My faith has been the cornerstone of my life and has always pulled me through difficult times and I’m sure this time in my life will be no different. Although I do not know what the future holds, I do know Jesus has it all in his hands, his capable, loving, protective hands. And I have no doubt He is not through with me yet. I have so much life left to live and with in me a desire to ignite in others the motivation and inspiration they need to help them find their own fire and purpose.

I’m waiting, searching, praying, believing, receiving, accepting and rejoicing for this new time in my life. A time to be still. A time to heal. A time to reflect. A time to pray. A time to allow God to ignite a new fire within me that will ultimately lead me closer to him and his master plan for my life.

No matter where you are in your life, I hope you are living a life of purpose. One that sets your soul on fire. And if you are not, I ask you to join me as I embrace this season of life in search of my new fire. Maybe together, hand-in-hand, we can help each other. Doing life together and overcoming hardship hand-in-hand seems so much better than doing it on our own. So join me as we march on to a new day, a new tune, a new rhythm of life, setting our souls on fire to be the best version of ourselves we can be despite our circumstances.