Beauty In the Midst of Pain

Pain. It comes at us in a variety of vehicles. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Mental anguish. Grief. Sickness. Hurt. Loss. Unmet expectations. Self inflicted pain. Cyclical pain. Chronic pain. The list goes on and on. Whatever venue pain takes, once it grasps hold of its victim with clenched fists, it’s nearly impossible to peel back the fingers locked tightly around your body, soul, mind.

One day I woke up in physical pain. Like a lightning bolt that comes out of nowhere, the pain demanded to be acknowledged. I was scared, but I had faith that a doctor could figure it out and remedy the situation immediately. Ha!!!! I was so naive. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

For 9 years I watched the pain and symptoms move from one place to another in my body, wreaking havoc on my mind, body and spirit. I sought out specialist after specialist. I had surgeries to try to figure out what could be causing this god awful, unrelenting pain. The scripture “Seek and ye shall find,” comes to mind. That certainly was not the case with my pain. I had doctors dismiss me. I had doctors perplexed by me. I had doctors tell me I was just going to have to figure out how to live with it. I was angry, perplexed, confused and frustrated, but I was on a mission; a mission to get a diagnosis.

You see for me I thought finding the name of the monster that had invaded my body would bring answers, healing, and relief from the pain. I thought a diagnosis would bring the answers and the answers would bring the healing. And with the healing I thought the pain would resolve.

Nine long years later the diagnosis finally came. I finally found a doctor who LISTENED to my story. A doctor who truly seemed compassionate and concerned. I was finally validated that I was not crazy that there was definitely something very wrong and that I needed help.

Giving the pain a name was scary. What I thought would be a positive move in the right direction turned out to be a new set of problems. Although the pain now had a name, treating the condition would be a whole new ball game. A game of trial and error. A game of “Try this med for 3 months and see if it helps.” When one treatment after another failed to provide relief, I realized that having an answer was not the solution to resolving the pain.

It has been 2 1/2 years since I found out that I have Lupus. I would love to tell you that my life has improved greatly and I no longer experience daily pain. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. The disease has progressed and we have yet to find a treatment that provides sustained relief. I’m on more medications than I can keep up with. I’m home the majority of the time doing self-care at the tender age of 43. My body has failed me, betrayed me, left me in a pit of despair wondering if it will ever improve or if the rest of my life will be spent managing this disease.

I often wonder, “why me?”. I think that is probably a relatively fair question and probably one most people in my situation ask on a daily basis. What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to get back to who I was before I woke up that one day and was no longer my previous healthy self. Every single day is driven by the thought of figuring out a way to returning to my previous self.

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity that this may be my new normal forever. That all of this pain has happened to me for a reason. And maybe that reason is transformation. Becoming more than who I was before. An eternal force driving me towards a destiny my human eyes cannot see. An awakening of the senses to a whole new world and a new way of life.

I’m not going to lie and say that the thought of this being my forever is not terrifying because it definitely is. But if the reality is there is not a thing I can do to change the situation, then I am faced with the question of how do I live my best possible life with the cards I’ve been dealt? This question taunts me and haunts me every day.

See, I don’t want to live a life of mediocrity. I don’t want to be confined to my home forever. I don’t want to watch from the windowsill as life passes me by. I don’t want to have regrets or look back and see missed opportunities. I want a life of purpose. A life of passion. A life of adventure. An exhilarating life that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning with awe and shock that my life is so amazing and wonderful and beautiful!

Even as I write these words my mind starts to wonder, what if my life IS already amazing, wonderful, beautiful? What if my focus needs to shift and then I will see things in a new light, with new eyes? What if I’m already living a life of passion and purpose and one that will inspire others to do the same? What if the beauty and peace I’ve been striving for has been living inside of me all of this time and I haven’t taken the time to nurture it? What if?

Shifting my focus. Seeing through a new lens. Counting the blessings that inundate my life. Being grateful. Humble. Fulfilled. Right here, right now, despite the pain that taunts me.

Maybe, just maybe, if I look close enough I will see all the beauty that surrounds me. The beauty of my husband walking through the door at the end of his work day. The beauty of my teenage son who brings me so much joy and delight. The multitude of monarchs this fall that have graced me with their presence. The dog we rescued who needs my love as much as I need hers. The love of Jesus that accepts me with open arms, just as I am.

What if the pain is there to force me to see the beauty of the life I’ve been given.

What if?