A New Chapter

Every “no” to the wrong thing, allows me to say “yes” to the right thing. This thought just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was debating with myself if I should go to an ENT on Monday or cancel. This appointment has been scheduled for months. But I do not want to go! I just don’t have it in me to see another specialist and start from scratch again. With my complex medical history, it takes eons to educate a new doc on the unicorn that I am. With every ounce of my being, I do not want to go. And I won’t. I REFUSE!

I’ve told myself over and over again, “I’m done being a professional patient”. I am no longer willing to spend all of my days going to doctors and therapists and pharmacists and treatments. I’m so over all of it. I’m done. Time for a new chapter!

Since my diagnosis and beginning treatment, I’ve gone downhill so fast and it would make your head spin to hear the honest to God tales and woes of the last 6 years of my life. It doesn’t even seem possible to me and I’m the one that’s lived it. My life has no longer been my own. It has been besought with too numerous a collection of maladies it would absolutely blow your mind. The entirety of the last six and a half years has been an utter disaster. 

One problem has led to another and to another which has led to new diagnoses to add to the ever growing list. Not to mention many of these medical problems are of the rare kind complicating things even further. I’m so over all of it! I can’t do this anymore. I won’t. I refuse to accept that this is my life indefinitely. It cannot be. Whatever tiny amount of control I have over my life, I will wield it like a mighty sword strong enough to slay the greatest of all dragons. I will not quit fighting, pushing, challenging myself to do everything I possibly can to get better and to live out loud and with purpose. 

This is it. This is my only life. And it feels like it’s being wasted. I used to tell my students, “This isn’t a dress rehearsal. You only get one life. One. And it’s up to you to make the most of it.” So that’s what I’m striving to do. I’m seizing the day and saying “yes” to better things. Lake trips with my family and my son’s friends. Making 92% of Josh’s baseball games despite one of the hottest summers on record. Going to the college World Series on a whim with the fam because our beloved Sooners made it against all odds to the championship series. Saying “yes” to an invite from some dear friends to go on a trip to the Cayman Islands. Going grocery shopping, something I haven/t done in years. All the things that signal I’m alive. I’m loved. I’m blessed. I matter. 

Ah, that’s a biggie for us spoonies, right? To be firm in our belief that our existence still matters? I tend to get very down to the point of blaming myself for being sick and for being a strain on my family and friends. It’s a deep, dark, black hole and I am fighting tooth and nail to not get sucked into its web of lies anymore. I’ve lived there long enough. I refuse to stay any longer. I’m moving out and moving on.

Time for a new chapter. Time to start living again, chasing dreams again. We are not afforded the opportunity to know when our time will be up. Every day is precious and a gift; a blank canvas to paint with whatever colors you please. The time is now. Refuse to cave to the darkness. Refuse to let your life go. Refuse to accept anything less than happiness. Go out and live, unapologetically. I’m going. Will you come with me?