A Journey of Self-Love
For my upcoming 50th birthday, I decided to take a solo trip to Destin, Florida. January is a miserable month for me with the frigid temps. The cold causes my Raynaud’s to go insane and it’s incredibly painful. My finger tips end up splitting open and it’s almost impossible to heal. It hurts so bad as the tissue in the tips of the fingers starts to become hypoxic and die. It’s awful and I knew I needed an escape this winter. Thus the dream of Destin was born.
Ultimately this trip ended up being a launching pad for me to find myself again, regain my self esteem and autonomy, and remember who I am and how capable I am. The primary agenda was to find my self love again, something I lost along the way in this crazy health journey I’ve been on. I had no clue how in the world I would learn to love myself again in just 1 week. It literally seemed impossible.
No one really understands what I’ve been through and what my daily life is like except Jason and Josh, my husband and son. These two have had a front row seat to all of it. And they have also been the ones to help me on a daily basis. I haven’t done life on my own in a very long time. I really needed this trip to prove to myself I can take care of myself. I am capable.
The amount of fear and anxiety I had going into this trip felt insurmountable. In the days and weeks leading up to the trip, I freaked out multiple times not knowing if I could do it. But I decided to do it afraid. I call that courage.
Every time I was overcome with fear, I turned to God. He promised me over and over again He’d be there with me, every step of the way. Boy did He deliver. The number of people who helped me without being asked, stepped in to fill a need I didn’t even know I had, and literally helped me get through the week alone was astounding. His love for me and his demonstration of it over and over again allowed me to open up my heart and love myself again. What a victory!
I didn’t know how it would be possible for me to find self love again. Finding that love for myself again came about by being immersed in God’s love. He never left me. He had me the whole time. He got me through every moment of panic, loneliness, fear and doubt. And because of this, my faith has been restored and my connection to Christ feels closer than ever.
I am writing again. The words are just flowing and surprisingly enough, a lot of it is coming out in poetry. This has been a shock to me as I haven’t written poetry since my teenage years. But I’m loving it. All the writing is helping me process all that has happened over the last 8 years since my health went down the toilet. I am finally feeling strong enough to face the trauma of everything I’ve been through so that I can live a happy and healthy life.
I wrote Solace because in the solace of my trip, I found me and I found God again. There were moments of complete and utter loneliness and isolation but I got through each one of them which only helped to boost my self confidence even more. I allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling and not hold it in. I read, journaled, slept, ate good food, took walks on the beach, got a massage, took a million pictures and learned to enjoy my own company again. No, I wasn’t able to run all over the place and do whatever I wanted. But I was able to go, take care of myself in an unknown area for a week and leave as a stronger, more healed version of myself. I call that a success.
Solace
by Kristin Klontz
She sat with Solace and asked her to stay
A stranger she knew from not far away
A mere fragment of her former self
She sought to find a horizon on which to love herself
At first the silence was deafening
Making her ears echo in defeat
She was afraid of the quiet
She knew what it would bring
A thousand tears for a thousand days never seeming to abate
She marinated in her solitude and decided to wait
What happened next would blow any man’s mind
She found her smile and joy again in the sweet by-and-by
She dug in her heels decided to do the work
Took a final look at a past more tainted than most
It didn’t take long before she could see
She ran from Sister Solace in spite of me
Scars she wore with pride cut defyingly deep
Pulling on places of her heart no man had ever seen
The hell she endured over and over yet again
The body so sickly she wondered when would it give in
But persist did her soul unafraid of the storms
She fought back with valiance in the face of north star
Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes of folklore
She knew her story would last forever more
She scratched and kicked and clawed her way
Through each and every single day
The silent tears rained down in her heart
Causing a flood so deep it ripped her apart
All that remained was a room full of fragments
A girl so afraid she could hardly withstand it
She broke down and dropped her knees to the floor
She looked up to heaven and begged for no more
The God of all mercy, love and light
Stretched out his hand and pulled her upright
He told her he loved her with all of his might
He hugged her and kissed her and shared his bright light
She felt for the first time in all of her life
Her soul take a breath and relax with new fight
Oh the good Lord who loves her impossibly so
He gave up his life so she could have more
Upon learning of her makers love so deep
She knew she had it in her to do whatever it takes
To win the battle and even the war
That was her victory from now til forevermore
If you saw her today you’d marvel her strength
Surviving the unfathomable her new claim to fame
So when Sister Solace pays you a visit
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge her wisdom
She’ll help you right through it if you let her come in
She’ll find you new life and a way to begin again
Thank you Sister Solace for helping me find
The one thing that could save me this whole time
A love so deep no man can comprehend
The love of a savior forever cherished I am
Back Porch Restaurant, Destin Florida
Made For More 