Stick a fork in me

I quit. I’m done. Stick a fork in me. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m burned out. I’m stressed out. I’m angry. I’m bitter. The list goes on. And yet, I can’t seem to make the call to quit. It’s a big decision with a big impact on my family and on a young woman who is in the midst of the most formative years of her life. A young woman who didn’t ask to be born into the chaotic, dysfunctional, harmful family she lived with for almost 15 years. I’m afraid and confused. I don’t want to quit and let her down, but I don’t feel like I can or should keep going with the way I feel, emotionally, mentally, physically.

I feel trapped. And that feeling is creating a deep anger and bitterness within me that feels like a vicious caged animal that will break free and terrorize everything in its path. And the guilt, oh my gosh the guilt. When I think of actually letting our foster daughter go, the feelings of guilt and anxiety are so overwhelming I feel like I will puke. I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want her to feel abandoned, yet again. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to disappoint God. I don’t want to be a failure. At the end of my life when I meet my maker, I want to hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” So I’m left with this feeling of being torn right down the middle, without a clue as to which direction to go. I literally feel like I’m at war with myself.

In the midst of all of these feelings, I was diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disease also referred to as an invisible illness (called that because you look healthy on the outside but feel horrible on the inside) that has wreaked havoc on my life for the last 10 years. I’ve felt awful for so long and now I know why, but there are no quick fixes or simple solutions. It’s a very complicated disease and treatment options are limited and the ones that are available have some serious side effect profiles. So I’m reeling from this news and trying to wrap my brain around it, accept it, and figure out how to modify my life and lifestyle so I can be healthy, pain free (or at least minimize the pain), and enjoy my life again. It’s a lot to deal with and stress is one of the major triggers of a Lupus flare (a flare is when symptoms become stronger and more powerful and you feel your worst) and there’s absolutely no doubt that being a foster parent is super stressful.

So now what? Here I am in this horrid place that makes me feel like there is no right answer. I’m currently unable to move forward with a decision whose impact cannot be measured or known. If we let our foster daughter go, I do believe I will feel an extreme amount of guilt and shame. I’m also worried what will happen to her, where she will end up. If we keep her, how will I overcome the stress, the challenges, the feelings of anger and bitterness and get my health under control? Either decision does not sit well with me. I have no peace with either choice. I feel stuck.

How do I get unstuck so I can move forward? I need a revelation, an awakening, a new view point, clarity so I know what to do. I need a decision that will bring me and my family peace. I know this direction can only come from Jesus, my savior. I pray he would speak to my heart. I pray I would get quiet and listen. I pray that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do. I pray I would be obedient to whatever it is He wants me to do and that I would have the strength to carry it out. And I pray above all else, His will would be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, for me, my family, and our foster daughter. Would you please join me in praying for clear direction?

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. Blessings and peace to you all,
Kristin