Losing a Friendship Due to Chronic Illness

Sometimes it’s better to say nothing than to say anything at all. Sounds good in theory, right? In real life, I totally suck at this. But I’d much rather deal with conflict head on than to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Relationships are so dang hard and when you are chronically ill, my experience has been they are even more difficult. Not only are you trying to navigate the tumultuous waters of human communication and relationships, you are also trying to connect with people who have little to no understanding of what it is like to live with chronic illness and chronic pain. Not saying chronic illness and pain trump other life challenges, but they do demand to be the bane of one’s existence with their never ending, in your face, 24/7 presence. Every decision, every activity, every outing, every chore and errand, must be strategically planned, and often times those plans are thrown out the window as unexpected flares pounce on you out of nowhere leaving you stranded and helpless to do anything other than to try and survive the current health crisis. All of this is difficult for the chronically ill person to manage, so I am hoping this paints a picture of the additional stress chronic illness brings to relationships of all kinds: family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc.

I recently had a friendship come to an unexpected halt and I was absolutely floored. I had heard of people losing friends over their chronic illnesses before, but I had not experienced it first hand. Let me tell you that having someone who you thought was a close and dear friend slam the door in your face and say I don’t want anything to do with you anymore is utterly devastating and unexpected, to say the least. And the reason why they no longer want to be your friend, is because every time they offer advice and try to tell you what you ought to be doing to live your best life, you give a rebuttal and remind them this is not their field of expertise and nor do you want or need their misinformed advice. And after countless inadvertent requests to just stop, you decide to go the more direct route and say, “Enough is enough. I’m setting a boundary with you. I don’t need you to fix me; I need you to be my friend.” I guess reflecting back, I should have seen it coming. And here’s why.

I see it all the time, not only in myself but obviously in other people as well. Part of being a human is the innate belief that we are experts on EVERY SINGLE TOPIC, especially when it comes to other people and how they should live their lives, deal with their problems, handle relationships and conflicts, the list goes on and on. I believe it all comes back to ego. Everyone has an ego. But I’m not here to talk about Freud and his findings. I think it’s fairly safe to say we all have one and we all stand firm in the belief that this defensive part of our personality which thrives on proving we are “right”, is considered the most conscious part of our personality. So with that being the case, it makes sense in a logical way why people always think they are right, self included.

Having chronic illness sucks. Period. End of story. No further explanation needed. And navigating the healthcare system and trying to find good doctors and the right treatment plans is an exhausting and never ending process, especially when it comes to diseases that have limited treatment options, such as autoimmune diseases like Lupus, and whose treatment efficacy varies from person to person, as does the level of disease and the impact it has on each patient’s health. It takes a lot of time, work, and effort to find a group of well educated physicians who will also listen to you and display compassion for your suffering, that you can entrust your care to and once you do find them, you still have to take a leap of faith day-by-day that they are making the right decisions on your behalf and believe they truly have your best interests at heart. And if you are one like me, one who finds it hard to trust, this task is even more difficult. Plus, I think being chronically ill incites a never ending cycle of questioning your diagnosis. It’s a sort of self preservation, a denial you put up to protect yourself from the harsh day-to-day reality of being chronically ill and dealing with the ramifications of the disease(s) you’ve been diagnosed with and the fact that they have no cure so you will be living with them for the rest of your life. As my illnesses proceed to become more complex by the day with additional challenges and diagnoses, I tend to vacillate between denial, anger and grief. Denial because accepting the reality that every day of the rest of my life will be extremely challenging in a variety of ways and sometimes life threatening is just too much. Grieving because you’ve had to sacrifice so much of what you love about life due to the illness. Hobbies, social events, exercise, shopping, working, traveling, doing anything you damn well please at any time you’d like are all things of the past. If and when you get to partake in any of the things you used to do without giving it a second thought, now require tons of accommodations and help. And even with all of that, you may have to give up the things you enjoy the most indefinitely. It is a very isolating and lonely life to live, especially for an extrovert who thrives in social settings.

Anger. This one deserves its very own post. I am not going to begin to delve into this topic in this post. I will save it for another post. And it will be more than enough of a topic to fill page after page after page. I will just tease the topic with this: anger will destroy you and your relationships if you let it. And that goes for anyone, not just the chronically ill.

People mean well. I do believe in the depths of my heart that either people want to try to fix the problem or they don’t really know what to say so they offer up advice (their ego speaking). I know they are just trying to help but what you really want and need is for them to not try to fix the problem, especially one that has no simple answer or a “one size fits all” solution, if one at all. And when advice is offered from someone who does not suffer from the chronic illnesses you are living with every day, it’s downright hurtful and maddening, The best thing you can say to me is, “I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I’m here for you. I can listen. I am praying for you. I hate it that this is your daily life.” Heck, if my well trained and educated physicians who are considered experts in their field are struggling to find the right treatment for me to have the best quality of life possible considering the hand I’ve been dealt, why in the world would I seek the advice of a lay person such as a marketing expert, an accountant, or even a teacher?

At the end of the day, I think all we all really want or need is to be accepted. Don’t you think? Accepted AND understood especially by our friends. Please accept the fact I didn’t ask for this illness(es). I didn’t ask for my life to revolve around my health and the never ending problems. I just want to live a normal life and be able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. I don’t want to be housebound most of the time. I don’t want to take so much medication I can’t keep it all straight. I don’t want to have multiple doctor appointments every week. So please just love and accept me for the hand I’ve been given. It’s not your job to try and fix it. Hell, I have some of the best doctors around and they don’t know how to help me sometimes and they’ve been practicing medicine for 30 to 40 years and are brilliant. Oh ya, and they went to medical school too so they are actually trained professionals who help people like me every day!

My point is this: I need friendship, not your suggestions, opinions, or advice on how to manage my life, my illness, my treatments. And if you can’t just be there for me and be supportive of the treatment plans I am on, well then I guess we can’t be friends because friends support one another without pause or reservation. They encourage, not discourage. If they question, it comes from a place of love, not of superiority. And if they do offer unsolicited advice and they are truly your friend who loves you unconditionally, you should feel free to tell them to take that ginger and shove it up their ass. Or eat it for themselves, whichever they prefer, because real friends understand all relationships have bumps in the road and it’s real friends who stand by your side through thick and thin and forgive openly and freely without a second thought. Real friends will never leave you stranded, no matter the circumstances. Be a real friend. Don’t leave me because I told you to quit trying to “fix me”. Just stop. Just love me. And I promise I will love you too.